Returning

It's crazy thinking that I would finally be returning to "my homeland". What that means, I'm still learning. In my mind, I'm always wondering: what does it really mean for me to return to something that is so foreign to me? To something that I never grew up in.

For me, I grew up in East Side San Jose for all of my life. I was the girl who went around beating up boys in elementary school. I was the one playing monkey bars full of blisters on my hands. I was the one trying to be a bad-ass in front of my middle school teachers and friends. And at the same time, I was secretly gettin good grades. haha. But silly things aside, I think I was really shaped by my family's experience.

I've always grown up in the same house - the one that I am currently living in. I grew up with two refugee parents from the Vietnam War. Growing up in a low-income Vietnamese family was often difficult. I never really knew how to get to college, how to make smart financial investments, blah blah, etc. Fights over money were common. Fights with my brother were also common. Sometimes I even wonder if my parents would've been happier together if they stayed in Vietnam, without the same money troubles that they have now. Eventually, I decided to do theatre - a developed passion - to get away from it all. Also, although I ate Vietnamese food everyday, went to temple, and performed traditional dances every so often, I didn't know what it meant to be truly Vietnamese. Luckily though, I still had two hard-ass working parents who I regret not appreciating earlier in life.

With the help of great people, I am now currently attending UC Berkeley. I've had the privilege of joining student organizations who have taught me what it means to be Asian American and Southeast Asian. I am a continuing member of Vietnamese Scouting in San Jose. I have recently come to identify as a queer Southeast Asian womyn as well. Even thoug I use these terms as a form of empowerment, I know that there's still a lot to learn. I still don't know my parents' story. My grandparents' story. And so forth. I lack the knowledge I need to understand my own roots. Thus, I chose EAP Vietnam.

I was drawn to Vietnam for many reasons. Many personal, some out of pure excitement at the thought of traveling. Here are some:

- to reconnect with my parent's experience
- to dig up my family's history
- to make awesome friends! which I already have!
- to learn more about Vietnamese history, politics, culture
- to learn how to cook and speak better Vietnamese so I can show off to my moms and pops! haha.
- to move out of my "American" bubble.
- and to just...freakin learn. Anything!

Being here, I've already experienced several cultural shocks. But yet, I'm still fallin in love with Ha Noi everday. I'll probably never experience Vietnam the way my parents had, but nonetheless, I am finding a piece of me here. It might not be exactly MY homeland, but its still becoming a second home :)