Service Learning - Society

In the last few blogs, I’ve noticed that I’ve talked a lot of societal rules and how society often views mentally and physically disabled folks. Often times, I referred to Anh Thai’s statement about how often times, they are seen as reincarnations of a bad spirit or something. This still goes through my mind often whenever I look at my students. Do others see them as bad souls? Do they see disabled people as people who cannot be helped? In a society that can easily labels people for their capabilities, rather than their potential improvement, I wonder how these societal labels affect these students and the organization and what agency do they have to push back. It’s that push and pull struggle between society and individual agency.

Even with all of Hoa Binh Thanh Xuan’s questionable practices and living standards, I still believe Hoa Binh is a good place. They do many things to help the students here. For example, although I question some of the physical therapists’ techniques, they nonetheless have gotten the children they work with to walk. In the beginning of the year, one of the cutest girls ever named Linh would take 30 minutes to walk 4 feet. Now, she is walking much faster and with much more confidence. (She still loves to be held affectionately though). Other students are also like that. Before, they would cry at the thought of being forced to walk but now, some of them have gotten much better. They can walk a couple of steps by themselves without falling. In many ways, Hoa Binh still believes in physically disabled children and their ability to improve and get better. They also help many families that are looking for a place for their children to continue learning in the classrooms.

At the same time, they sometimes treat the students poorly. They sleep in very crappy conditions and often times, the classrooms dissolve into singing and dancing and very little academic learning. Once again though, this is probably due to financial constraints. I can’t help but think that it also stems from a certain attitude though. The way people talk about these students are like “they are not normal”. In a sense, they’re humanity is taken away. They are not human enough to fully function and to earn the same amount of respect and form of living as others. I’m not too sure.

So I feel like there’s this struggle between Hoa Binh and society. Hoa Binh is sort of a place where many disabled folks are casted into one place to be reserved from others to see. At the same time, they provide a nice and safe environment for folks to find others like them. While they may have negative attitudes about disabled children, at the same time, they are helping many of them progress in their mental and physical capabilities. While being affected by what others have to say about them, they are also pushing back and helping many disabled children navigate through society. Thus, its this constant interaction between society and the agency of an individual or a body of people.

Group Work

Throughout my whole life, I've been able to work with many organizations. I've been able to reflect and be critical of my own group leadership style and so forth but being in Vietnam definitely challenged me a lot. For one, we are all working with so many different language barriers. I definitely realized this from the very start. When we were talking on the bus, I remember being slightly frustrated from having to move back and forth from English to Vietnamese. Although its no one's fault, I knew that generally, my personality is to make sure everyone is on the same page and that everyone is happy and pleased. Therefore, I felt some great responsibility to translate and talk to everyone. This is probably a huge problem as well because of couse, both sides are capable of talking to each other.

At the same time, I realized that I had to depend on my buddy group often because of the language barrier. For instance, the first time we did an interview, I freaked out and became as quiet as a mouse. I was so overwhelmed by how little I understood from the interview that I became freakishly quiet. From then on, I just depended on them to carry out the interview. At the same time, I felt a deep responsibility to the group for my lack of Vietnamese skills so therefore, I tried my best to translate and make the Gig English versions sound natural.

In retrospect, the language barrier caused serious problems for everyone. It made it harder to communicate and to do any type of work but it's all good. Its just the challenge we had to take from benig in a class of UC and HANU students. With all the challenges, it helps us understand one another and to learn how to "get each other's backs".

Also, I remember the first time our Project Kiem An group came together for the scavenger hunt. Immediately, I noticed the different ways we liked to approach our work. For instance, I feel like Sharon and Thai Linh are much more straightforward and direct about what they want. If they want to interview someone random, they go with less hesitation. For me and An, it's a different story. We both freak out a little about the idea of possibly intruding into someone's life. And this has definitely come out in our Project Kiem An groups. However, what I've realized from being on this program and from hanging out with my project group is that we definitely fuel each other. When I'm frightened about something, Sharon is always ready to be like "it's okay. What's the worst that can happen?" and then Thai Linh will be like "yeah! Let's do it" with a smile on her face. Then An will help remind us about the caution that we need to take. It's kind of this nice group dynamic going on. In a group, you can't always have the same type of people right? Gotta have the yummy bag of candy full of chewy sour gummy worms, chocolate raisins, and peach rings for a successful movie watching day :)

So, especially with the Project Kiem An group, I've learned the importance of depending on one another and how each person adds something different to the group. With a group that was so committed to our work and the experience of being in UCHANU, we all tried to contribute in different ways and tried to surpass inevitable challenges. What a good group :)

One Heartland - Bittersweet

I am extremely thankful for this One Heartland project. It couldn't have come at a better time. For awhile, I started to feel like UC and HANU students were becoming distant. And furthermore, I was beginning to question who I really love and miss in Vietnam and who I would regret not seeing when I leave. After seeing the power of all the students in our class to be able to raise $3000 within only 5 or so days, I fell in love with HANU students all over again.

When we went to Nghe An this weekend, it finally hit me that this was gonna be the last big trip together as UCHANU. It made me extremely depressed. Everyone in UCHANU is so amazing and has their own little quirk. It was the first time that I had such a beautiful and deep conversation with Van, the first time that I got to hear such inspirational stories and quotes from all the people sitting in the back of the bus, and the first time I got to see all the HANU students pull their organizational skills together for such a passionate project. Being Thai Linh's roommate was also awesome because we just exchanged stories of VN and the U.S. with one another. She's definitely one of the people that I admire so much here in VN. What would I do without her. :(

I think it was a reality check for all of us, UC and HANU. When me, Khuong, Lan Anh, and Nancy went to drop off clothes to the families, we all felt really depressed. In one of the households, one of the woman immediately burst out in tears. We all held her really tightly and began tearing up as well. It was so hard to bear. It made us really appreciate what we had in Hanoi and in America. For the first time, I understand what my dad meant when he said Vietnam was still really poor. Sure, it's developing, but we cannot deny that the poor are still here. Vietnam has just gotten better at hiding it.

Sharing this experience with the HANU students really brought us together. In the bus ride home, we shared really personal stories with each other and it was one of the first times I got to see everybody's life views, little quirks, and personalities come through. And it made me fall in love with every single individual. We all talked about where we wanted to be in 20 years and I must say, I'm really excited to see where people end up. I genuinely want to know that everyone will be okay in the future. I'm not sure if we'll meet each other in 20 years but I know I'll still remember them all later on. HANU students have made such a big impact on my experience in Vietnam and in my life that I do not know how I'm gonna leave. I keep thinking about this and I'm becoming more and more depressed. Unlike before, when I was questioning who my real friends were in Vietnam, now I know. Its the great folks that I've met in this UCHANU class. From the beginning UCHANU party till now, I know I gotta cherish all these memories with them. AH! Vietnam, you are bittersweet.

Service Learning - Thoughts and Feelings

Lately, as the festival for the students is coming closer, I've been thinking about what impact our festival will actually have on our students. I know we are going to put our whole heart into this event, but I'm worried that the students will not enjoy it very much. Or, due to their range of skills, some of them will enjoy it and others will not. Will they see the point in knocking down bottles for candy as fun? Will they see a day of arts and craft as fun? Or will some of the students, especially the older ones who have been around for a long time, think its just silly? Will the nurses there think its silly in comparison to something like...buying new computers for the computer room? That's one of my biggest fears. Will planning for this event for a month and half lead to successful results? I know, for us, it seems really exciting, but I wonder how much they will get out of it and if there's anything that we can do that is more long-lasting.

For instance, the idea of beautifying their courtyard sounds really great because that is something that will physically remain there for many years. However, putting on a festival, is that legit? I'm not too sure. But it makes me question what we consider sustainable and not sustainable. Are good memories and feelings just as legit as something like repainting their courtyard equipment? Because our festival is only for about 3 hours in the morning but it has the potential to provide really great memories for the students. This may be something they just need in terms of getting through the loneliness that creeps in from living in Thanh Xuan. It can also influence other volunteers to do similar projects in the future. It's always hard though because its one of those projects where we will not be able to see the long-term results of our work (unless we do some crazy follow-up, of course).

So, will providing "happy feelings and memories" for these students be enough? I hope so because that's what we're really aiming for. Maybe, we can even modify some of our booth games to be more educational. That way, they are actually learning something as well. Or if all else fails, we can say we tried and that our students know we tried. We also have a beautiful painted wall that the kids will always remember, too. So who knows.

Service Learning: Self and Identity

Ever since coming from the Nghe An trip, I've been thinking lately about the bluntness that Vietnamese people have for identifying others. For instance, when I walk into Dragonfly and greet the now familiar staff, they automatically nickname me "Beo" without hesitation. When we were in Nghe An, the teachers took us to the poorest houses in Vietnam. When we went inside, they would bluntly say "this is the poorest family in Vietnam" right in front of the faces of these Vietnamese people. They would throw out "ngheo qua!" this "ngheo qua" that back and forth like a frisbee. And then it made me think about the bluntness of the physical therapists that we worked with. They would bluntly say "these kids are not 'binh thuong'. They have something wrong in their head". And they will say it to me right in front of their faces.

It's in total contrast with America where we have to learn to be politically correct. We have to be careful with saying the word "disabled" or "mentally ill" or even "poor" and "rich". We're often very afraid to hurt people's feelings and to put people down, even though America's institutions do it anyway. People are often put in place by unjust policies and attitudes but Americans pretend like they don't. In Vietnam, though, I wonder how they feel about being labelled "mentally ill" so quickly and with so much bluntness. Does it become a part of their identity? Is that their only identity? Because I can honestly say that our kids have something special about them, from their personality to their mannerisms. But how do people see them and how do they see themselves? Do they try their best to be "regular" kids? And do some of them even have the capability to understand that they are somehow "different" from others? By constantly being labelled as "mentally disabled", does it disempower them as in the self-fulfilling prophecy? I'm not too sure.

It would be really interesting to look further into this so that we can better understand how to approach disabled children. What is the best technique for talking about them? What is the best way to give them confidence? And how can we be culturally sensitive about the ways that different cultures identify people?

Violence in Ha Noi

Today, after doing a crazy run around Ho Tay with Lan, Bao, and Hoa, me and Lan decided to go to Pho Co with our good friend Leo. Before we got there, we were talking about how shocked HANUers were with the idea that we have gun shops. Instead of fixing social ills, we just provide more violence.

Then, as we were lang thang-ing Ho Guom, we saw a beautiful tree that we wanted to climb. It was really awesome. As we were about to head out though, we saw a fight/chase right before our eyes. I've seen it before but not to this degree. Some of the guys even ran right past us with mechetes and long ass swords (kiem). We were hella frightened. Then the cops came so some guys ran in the opposite direction. Then, right before us, we see one guy getting severely beaten by 3 other guys. He didn't move at all afterwards. From across the street, we couldn't tell if he was dead or not. It was so fucking frightening. We had no clue what to do.

After waiting for the ambulance to take away the guy, we decided to go home. The whole time, I was thinking about the types of violence that occurs in Vietnam, how it occurs, how its being prevented, and so forth. It made me think of my friend who was put in jail for murder. It made me think of my friends who had been in gangs. And it made me think about how sad the families and friends must be about this person being involved in such a thing. Regardless of how violence occurs, violence is violence. Its fuckin hard to deal with. And even think about it. I don't know. It was a real shocker and it was a reality check about what can still occur in Ha Noi, miles away from home.

"Viet Kieu"

It's always bothered me hearing the word "Viet Kieu". It has so many negative connotations, one of them being: traitor. I've learned how to swallow it though. I know many people say it casually nowadays without thinking about those sort of things but I can't help cringe a bit inside when I hear it.

When I went to the South last week, we got the chance to visit the War Remnants Museum in Saigon. I thought, yaaay, coool, another museum but I left thinking, "fuck, us Americans are horrible". Granted that the museum was extremely one-sided, I couldn't deny the pictures either. The things that Americans have done are really fucked up. Period. But it put me in a really weird position. I know that I wouldn't be in the U.S. or even looking at these photos if it wasn't for the war. Being Vietnamese American, can I still be considered the same as a white American photographed torturing a Vietnamese soldier? I'm in this liminal space where I'm not truly Vietnamese from Vietnam or truly "American". And furthermore, I'm a product of the Vietnam War. If it never happened, I wouldn't even be where I am right now. So, although I felt a sense of guilt, I also felt like that guilt was misplaced. I dont know.

What heightened my feelings of sadness and guilt were the pictures of Agent Orange victims. When I saw those pictures, it made me think about what the people working at Thanh Xuan must think of us Americans. My mind kept playing back to that moment when one of the nurses stopped his conversation with me to say "Nguoi Viet Kieu ah?" (Are you a Viet-Kieu). When I replied yes, he glared at me with the most disgust I've ever seen. So when I saw these pictures of Agent Orange victims, I wondered if Thanh Xuan people think of me as this traitor, or as this Vietnamese American trying to redeem herself. When people talk about white guilt, I wonder if there's a such thing as "Viet-Kieu" guilt. I know for sure that I came to Thanh Xuan to try and give back to Vietnam, which was going to nurture me in so many ways for the next few months. Never did I make that connection between the Vietnam War, Americans, and myself until now. But the War Remnants Museum definitely put a face to the word "Viet Kieu" for me. It made me think about how I'm positioned in this world and how trapped I often feel.

But nonetheless, I can't say that I would've never encountered these conflicting feelings. I guess you can say its all part of the process of being hear in Vietnam as a Vietnamese Americans. There's just some things we gotta face when we go back to our homeland.

Service Learning- Individual

Every week that I've been coming to Thanh Xuan, I feel myself becoming more and more attached to the students. It's absolutely crazy considering the fact that, before this, I dreaded going to service learning. I know it seems really bad, too. But now, after coming back from Mien Nam, I had this excitement to come back. I love playing with the students, making jokes with them, tickling them, everything.

I think what really did it for me, in terms of how much of an impact I could possibly have on these students, was when Mai, Miki, Peter, and I decided to go visit the students on our day off. It was Nhung's birthday there and we decided to surprise her with cake. We didn't know how it would be but we decided to go anyway. What we thought would be an awkward dreadful hour worth of time turned into a hilarious game of Hot Potato, food fights, and seeing Peter bust out in Vietnamese song that we never thought we'd see. At the end, one of the students told us it was one of his greatest memories ever. It hella warmed my heart. I think this is really what it means to do service learning. There was a completely new meaning to service learning because we were able to bring joy to them with just a simple cake.

Also, we decided to paint one of their walls with the hands of the Thanh Xuan kids. We created a huge heart out of their hands and put "Toi <3 Thanh Xuan" with a bunch of clouds, and flowers decorated around it. Although getting the materials was stressful and last-minute, we managed to pull it together and have the kids absolutely enjoy it. Although some of the nurses were giving us crap the wall, I think that the wall we created was special compared to many of the others. For I think the first time ever, the students were allowed to collaborate in a painting project like this. I mean, the students are what makes up Hoa Binh so they should be able to beautify it themselves, right? At that moment, it wasn't about our enjoyment but the enjoyment of the children. In a sense, it was their creation, not ours.

From this project, I really wonder what else we can do. What forms of empowerment can we give these students. What sense of teamwork and collaboration is there, versus us doing something FOR them. In the long run, them creating art in the way they want it is gonna be much more beneficial than us creating things for them.