Stop Denying It

I’ve been going to the Buddhist temple ever since I was little. I went every Sunday for Vietnamese language classes and I attended it often for Tet Trung Thu, Tet, and other Vietnamese holidays. I grew up on movies about how Buddha came to be and I performed in dances that told the story of Buddha's birth. But what was most important was the way my family practiced Buddhism and how much it affected me in so many ways. My father, who tries hard to be a good Buddhist, has always taught me values of living simply, accepting struggles in life, finding peace in the heart and mind, and being selfless. These, I thought, were just values that my dad carried - not necessarily things that my dad also carried with him through ideas of Buddhism.

Then, throughout high school, I pulled away from that side of me. I proclaimed myself an "atheist" and in many ways, I still think I am. But it wasn't till college and REALLY until this central trip that I realized I was denying the culturally Buddhist side of me. To argue that there is nothing beyond logic and reason in this world is already so colonizing. To not be open to other worldviews is also colonizing. And to deny it within myself and my family is colonizing, or oppressive, to who I am.

Thus, when we went to visit several pagodas and temples last week on our central Vietnam trip, I was overwhelmed with emotion. And I didn't really know why. Was it because it reminded me of how much I was NOT at peace with myself? Because it reminded me of something I denied? I'm not sure. But it wasn't until our group went and ate vegetarian food at a monastery/temple place that I finally came to grips with my spirituality.

It was extremely emotional sitting and talking to the head monk. It was so powerful to hear her story and how, despite her parents' struggles, she was so selfless. For her, she KNEW she wanted to help people despite the pain she had to go through. And just being in her presence, you can feel her beauty just radiating off of her. She was so charming, charismatic, friendly, and just straight up beautiful of a human being. And it really took me back to my dad. Despite all the problems in our family, he has always tried to give. Rather than buying clothes for himself, he literally takes my brother's and my grandpa's hand-me-downs and alters it himself. Even when we are struggling to make money, he is down to put down a couple hundred to help some sort of foundation. And even though my family gives him so much shit, he freakin loves us to death. He's definitely made some mistakes in his life but I believe he struggles so much to be what this head monk is.

From that moment, I realized how much I embody these different Buddhist values. Although I am definitely not my father, I know I strive to be similar to him. I know there's a lot to Buddhism that I locked away and I know there's a lot I need to stop denying. I'm not going to become a monk or anything, but I am going to stop rejecting sides to me that I grew up on.